Grim News

In a medium as obviously self-indulgent as the blog, there are some topics on which I normally refrain from commenting out of a respect for the rights of others to go their own way.  I think that I’m going to shove that mental barrier aside today.  Why, you ask?  One of my favorite daily reads is Deus Ex Malcontent, a blog by Chez Pazienza.  Chez, as is no secret from anyone who reads his blog, is going through some marital problems and writes frequently about what he’s going through.

The thing is, what Chez is feeling is hardly unique.  Songs are written, poems are composed, suicide notes are scrawled with many of the same feelings, they just aren’t as eloquently written in most cases.  We are constantly bombarded with the word “Love” in the course of talking about relationships, especially with our spouses or significant others, but ask someone to define the word.  Seriously, find 5 people you know and ask them “What does love mean?”

I’ll give you 10-1 odds that their answer is a mish-mash of Hallmark Card sentimentality and touchy-feely nonsense.

Leave it to the crankiest sonofabitch that ever trod shoeleather to give you all an explanation which will work for you, and probably help you in your relationships to boot.  First, let me provide some points on what “Love” is not.

• “Love” is not something that humans possess in finite quality.  You not only can love more than one person, you probably do.
• “Love” has not a damn thing to do with sex or desire.  The love you have for your parents or children is THE EXACT SAME (seriously, I can’t emphasize this enough) as the love you have for a spouse.
• “Love” may make a relationship work, but it is far from the only ingredient.  Love is not “all you need”.
• As nauseating as the “Love is patient. Love is kind.” speech from I Corinthians is, there is fundamental truth there.
• “Love” is not about mutual possession.  Two people can love each other regardless of the time or distance that separates them.
• Hate is not the opposite of Love.  They are two sides of the same emotion, and once you read my definition of “Love”, you’ll understand why.

First, to show you how messed up we have become with respect to this word, here is the Random House Dictionary definition of the word.

Srsly? Whatever happened to not using a word to define itself?  “To love is… to have love or affection”  Really, genius?

Robert Heinlein, via his most famous character, Lazarus Long, once came up with a definition of love that has worked for me over the years.

“Love” is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own… Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy.

Not bad, eh?  When you take the time to think about all of the people you truly love, and the people who truly love you, how many times do you think of phrases such as “I just want you to be happy” or “I just want what’s best for you.“  By way of contrast, let’s look at something like a high school crush where the predominant feeling may be described as “I just want so-and-so to like me“  Desire?  Lust?  Probably.  Love?   Definitely not.  Here’s where “Love” has to be put in the proper place in a relationship.  It is quite possible to love someone, but be better off without them in your life.  How, you ask?

• Have you ever been in a relationship where you are constantly demonstrating love for another person, but the other person isn’t reciprocating?
• Have you ever been an “enabler” for someone you love who is engaging in self-destructive behavior?
• Have you ever heard the phrase “If you REALLY loved me…” and felt manipulated?
• Have you ever loved someone that you can’t trust?

Getting away from these people doesn’t mean that you no longer love them.  It means that you understand that your relationship with them is unsustainable for other reasons.  The opposite of love is not hate.  Hate is just a polarity shift.  Hate means that your feelings are just as strong.  The opposite of love is indifference.  If you no longer care, you no longer love.  It is important for your own self-esteem (and self-preservation) to stay away from those who would use your love against you in order to serve their own selfish needs.  It hurts, but it is necessary.

What makes me qualified to pontificate on the meaning of love?  For starters, I enjoy a very stable and happy relationship with my wife, and my definition works very well in the context of our relationship.  Our relationship is built more more than love.  We trust each other.  We know, despite everything that has happened in our relationship, that at the end of the day, she’ll be there for me and I will be there for her.  If that trust were to disappear, so would our relationship, but I’d still love her with all my heart.

Chez, I hope things turn out well for you.  I know that what you are going through isn’t easy, but understand that there are a lot of people out there who love you and want you to be happy.